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[February 13, 2007 at 1:30am] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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Now looking back on it all, it seems like I had learned everything I needed to know about life by the time I was sixteen. The problem was, I somehow forgot it all. Maybe if I could explain it to someone else; capture it all this way, and keep it folded up, filed away in a corner of my mind, I could keep from having to repeat the same mistakes. There was drama, there was conflict... but for the most part, I was incredibly happy. I was happy because I had my friends, and I had love. But high school ended, one day at a time. Months and years passed, and I grew more distant from each of my friends. Various people flew in and out of my life. I lost some friends to distance, some to circumstance. Mostly, they just drifted away from me, toward their own lives. A few of these people are still in my life, and I'm very lucky, because not everyone still has a friend who knew them when they were seventeen. It wasn't exactly knowledge I had back then. It was just the sort of naïve wisdom that comes from growing up with people, having their lives become entwined in yours. And then one day, you realize that, even though in some ways, you're still connected, in another way, all the strings have been cut. I still love those people, who helped me define myself, but... it isn't the same. Everything is probably just as it should be, and yet... it can never be the way it was then. i miss home.
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| all i needed tonight was a hug... |
[September 07, 2006 at 1:21am] |
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mood |
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super sad |
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music |
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Without You |
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auricleaf: and without you.
auricleaf: im dying.
auricleaf: like it feels like a vast part of myself is gone.
auricleaf: i guess thats love...
...all i wanted was a hug. and there was no one to give it to me. fuck.
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| college tomorrow. i'm in denial. |
[September 01, 2006 at 1:05pm] |
i'm not actually going to college tomorrow. that's a joke. i'm staying here and going to woodson some more. oh yessssssss please.
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[August 09, 2006 at 12:46am] |
It's that place, in the middle, that just puts you in the center of everything, and leaves you right between everything else. It's an odd feeling of extasy and depression. Of love and hate. Of intelligence and idiocracy. At the same time, it's almost beautiful, this rare emotion of tension and confliction of the extremes. Staring blatently into the face of it at one end, and gazing into the front of the opposite. It is not a balance. It is a combination of the two. It is decidedly bizzare, and is not something that comes often. It cannot accurately be described, this feeling. And how limiting words become in context to the concept of human emotions. It's like the blurred line between insanity and genius, that doesn't really make sense on human terms, ut all the more sense on the levels of the indescribable. What is it? That calls for such things? That ignites the catylyst? And what is the reason for it all? Does it serve a purpose? Or is it all a waste of mental fragmentation? How is it even possile for the above to even occur? Is it all reliant on perspective? Is that all life really is? The way we look at it all, and the results and emotions that follow...Is that all we are? If so, I would contend that our existance becomes significantly more fragile. Everything will change with the light it is exposed to.
amen.
"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." -Nelson Mandela
I miss it all so much. I miss my friends and I miss Africa and I miss it. I want you to all understand, but you don't and can't. And that's okay, cause I know that. But, I miss it, and I want to go back.
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| This song has become my declaration to the world. |
[June 02, 2006 at 12:47am] |
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mood |
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sad and nostalgic |
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I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them and we help them in return.
Well, I dont know if I believe that's true.
But I know I'm who I am today, because I knew you.
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun.
Like a stream that meets a boulder, half way through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But, because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part:
So much of me is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.
Like a ship blown from it's mooring, by a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But, because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for.
But, then I guess we know there's blame to share, and none of it seems ot matter anymore.
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun.
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed
I do believe I have been changed for the better.
And, because I knew you... because I knew you...
Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
I'm so sorry. I'm just not ready for this. I've been ready for it for the last three and a half years. And now that it's here, I cannot look it in the face with conviction. I cry and cower, and I cannot move on and leave this.
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| Wow, wow, wow fellas. Look at the old girl now, fellas... |
[May 22, 2006 at 11:38pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
] |
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music |
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Hello Dolly on random in my head |
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I stole this from Miki, and I'm going to cut most of it out, and leave only the parts that I want to...It so properly sums up my KMT experience that I feel like it's just exactly what I mean to say.
Miki (</a></strong></a>![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) beautyinblack13) wrote,
@ 2006-05-21 00:35:00
| Current mood: |
 dizzy in love |
| Current music: |
Hello, Dolly! |
 Isn't The World Full of Wonderful Things?
Senior year is hard. There are way too many emotions that all feel the same. All extremely depressing and final. Too many goodbyes. Even for places you don't particularly care for. I have had so many dreams about that church. I had to say goodbye to that place tonight. Even that was hard.
(Post a new comment)
I love you very much.
Yeah. KMT is over. And yeah, that makes me sad, because it is something that I have dedicated my time to over the years. And yes, there are people there that I will miss. There are people that I will certainly NOT miss. I will miss the experience and I will miss different things. But Saturday night, I walked out of that church and did not turn around. It is a door closing in my life, in hopes of a new window opening. It's just a matter of time. It was a good show to end on. I just wish that I had felt better Saturday night.
I loved being that role, because just like Andrea said, it fits my personality very well. But, I will not miss other parts of that crazy group, and I feel like no matter what, my time has come and my era has passed, and like so many others before me, I will be doing bigger and better things. So be it.
"Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But, because I knew you, I have been changed for good."
It's the beginning of the end, and I'm not ready for it all to go yet.
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| pauls, pauls everywhere. |
[May 15, 2006 at 11:51pm] |
i talked to paul tonight, and prom avec-il seems like a viable option. he said he would check and see when they were going to the beach, but that he'd go with me if they weren't going to be away. :-)
if not, paul mathis told me tonight he would go with me, if i wanted him to. i'd prefer the first and older paul m., but if mr. moore doesn't come through, then we'll go with plan b.
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| I could kill someone now, if I thought that I had the energy. |
[May 09, 2006 at 4:21pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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Today, in my opinion, trumps all other terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days that have come before it. Yes, today is, quite possibly, THE worst day of my entire life. Reasons are as follows:
1. I took TWO AP tests today. Who the FUCK does that, and why...why why why why why. NOTE TO ALL RISING SENIORS CURRENTLY ENROLLED IN AP GOVERNMENT NEXT YEAR: DO NOT TAKE THE COMPARATIVE GOVERNMENT TEST. IT IS NOT WORTH IT, AND IT DOES NOT MATTER ENOUGH.
2. I got a ticket for "parking illegally" which is TOTAL bull because I dont know where they EXPECTED us to park, seeing as there were not parking spaces available. I didn't even know that it wasn't a space, seeing as there were cars on EITHER SIDE of me. But that's $25.00 that I no longer have. FTS.
Only redeeming part of this day is that after I go to Vocal Ensemble and have a shitty rehearsal there, which is inevitable, we are going to BWU for wing night and I can eat myself into an oblivion.
As I just said to Clara...I'm not COMPLETELY convinced that all my life processes are working simultaneously right now. That could prove to be problematic.
Also, I am positive that I did not pass either of those exams. Score guesses: AP US Gov: 2, AP Comparative Gov: 1
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| so there. |
[May 05, 2006 at 11:01pm] |
i am not going to qualify this at all.
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| random stuff from my head. slightly selfish, so watch out. |
[May 01, 2006 at 12:05am] |
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I got into the Honors program at ONU. I should be happy, and I am. I’m very honored and I’m very excited that I got in, because apparently it’s kind of hard, and I don’t feel like I’m very smart etc., so I don’t see why I would get into such a program. Nevertheless, I got in, and that’s cool. HOWEVER. It means I have to live in the Honors dorms, and that weirds me out a little bit. Caleb says it’s okay and it’ll be better for me because my roommate will affect my studying and my living habits more than anything else. But, in the honors dorm, they have a bed time, and weird stupid stuff like that. Like not a REAL bed time, but they have mandatory quiet times etc., and I want to be able to go down the hall at 1 am and talk to people, not think about whether they’re sleeping or not. Whatever. I’m excited about the program. I’m worried about being labeled as a nerd, or not being able to be as social as I want.
I want a date for prom. I really do. I don’t really feel like asking someone, because it makes me feel like no one else likes me. Which is true. But, for once, I would love love love love love to have someone ASK me to prom, in that incredibly romantic way that people only see in movies. Not really to that extreme but I really do wish someone would actually ASK me, versus me having to ask them. Although, Caleb said if I didn’t have a date, he’d go with me. And I know Steven would go, and Paul would go, and lots of people would go if I needed them to, but still. Just once, you know? I want to be the special one.
Is it really sickeningly morbid that I wonder all the time about my funeral? Like, things happen, and I meet new people and I wonder, if I died, would they come to my funeral? What would happen at it? Who would be there? Would there be a lot of people there? And when I see certain people, I wonder what they would say at my funeral, if anything. What would my parents choose as my outfit to be buried in? What would my parents do at all? Would they stay here? Would they move? What would the school do? Would I get a memorial? What would they sing at my funeral? Can I leave a note and say, In case I die, please sing the following songs…?”
Is that bad? I think about that stuff ALL the time. I think I’m weird.
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[April 25, 2006 at 10:43pm] |
Founded in 1996, the Day of Silence® has become the largest single student-led action towards creating safer schools for all, regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity or gender expression. From the first-ever Day of Silence® at the University of Virginia in 1996, to the organizing efforts in over 1,900 middle schools, high schools, colleges and universities across the country in 2002, its textured history reflects its diversity in both numbers and reach.
"We are silent for those people who still don't have a voice."
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[April 25, 2006 at 5:05pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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music |
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Last Resort-Papa Roach |
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i feel like i am becoming distant from so many people. no one talks to me any more about what's going on, and people exclude me. i have become the enemy.
will you even miss me when i'm gone?
like hell you will.
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[April 25, 2006 at 2:31am] |
check out the time on this.
that's right. it's 2:32 am, and i am still doing my government paper. i hate my life.
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[April 23, 2006 at 10:19pm] |
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mood |
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 bored/tired |
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rebecca told me today that i had not posted in a long time. yes, that's right. i've had other things going on, and i just haven't gotten here in a while.
but my night tonight was awesome, and even though most of my day was crappy (due to some MAJOR feminine problems, ones i will NOT enumerate upon for the large male audience of this crowd)
WTWFCA21: ohhh we had a wonderful night.
fairfaxmafia2: word?
WTWFCA21: we went to a concert at hte barns of wolf trap
WTWFCA21: one we go to every year
WTWFCA21: and one that i'm really going to miss
WTWFCA21: it's this folksinger guy who's very historically oriented and tells great historical stories, and very politically ...in tune...shall we say, with the parties that this household supports.
WTWFCA21: and it's very fun, and he plays the hammered dulcimer better than anyone i've ever seen
WTWFCA21: so he fascinates me.
WTWFCA21: and there are songs that i have grown to love in the past five or six years of our going to these concerts, but in particular one that i really love.
WTWFCA21: and he didn't play it during the first half, so i was all bummed out, but during intermission, if there's a request you have to make, then you write it down and put it on the stage.
WTWFCA21: okay.
WTWFCA21: so there's this song called "The Room at the Top of the Stair."
WTWFCA21: and it was for his son
WTWFCA21: and it goes "there's a room in our house at hte top of the stair... bla bla bla..." and goes on and each verse is about different stages in his son's life, and how he gets brought home from the hospital, and then goes through life yadda yadda
WTWFCA21: and then the last verse is about the room being empty
WTWFCA21: because he has gone to college.
WTWFCA21: and it's sad and always makes me happy-sad. and so, tonight, i went, hoping that he would play it, especially for me.
WTWFCA21: and so, when the intermission came, i tore off a piece of paper and wrote "I've been coming to these concerts for at least six years now, and it'll probably be my last one as I am going off to college next year. And then it will be MY room at the top of the stairs that is empty. So could you please play Room at the Top of the Stair one last time for me.
WTWFCA21: he plays loads of instruments, mind you. and "Room" is piano song. so he comes out holding JILLIONS of requests, and i'm like hm. well at least he read them, and maybe he will have read mine and will sing my song. so he plays a few little guitar diddys, and then pulls out one of the requests from the box.
WTWFCA21: and he goes "i'd like to read this one out loud, and i hope I dont embarass who ever wrote it."
WTWFCA21: and then he sits down at the piano.
WTWFCA21: andi was like yesssssssssssss
WTWFCA21: and so he read it, and it was really really sweet, and i cried like a little baby, and i was there with my family, and it was really great.
fairfaxmafia2: awwwww
WTWFCA21: and then, i proceeded to cry for most of the rest of the concert, because he did all his great sad songs, and it was just wonderful.
WTWFCA21: so yeah. it was really a great concert.
WTWFCA21: and afterwards he always lines up to talk to people.
WTWFCA21: so my dad was like do you want to stay? because at that point it was like 10:45.
WTWFCA21: and so i was like uh hello? yes of course.
WTWFCA21: so we go down, and my mom's talking to him about all their little dulcimer friends, and then tells him that i'm the little poor college girl, and he gave me this big hug and was like so where are you going to school?
WTWFCA21: and i told him, and he was like well i play at another college very frequently, that's right near there, about 15 or 20 minutes from the big city that's about 20 minutes from my college.
WTWFCA21: so i was like GREAT!! and he was like well i look forward to seeing you there. and i was like no no. i look forward to seeing YOU there.
WTWFCA21: haha
WTWFCA21: so yeah. it was really great. and afterward, my mom was like "it is absolutely unfair that you got to hug him."
WTWFCA21: ahaha
fairfaxmafia2: hahaha
fairfaxmafia2: seriously, that sounds like the scene out of a movie or something haha
fairfaxmafia2: it's so perfect
WTWFCA21: i know.
WTWFCA21: it was awesome.
WTWFCA21: like incredible.
that was what i started to write on thursday night, but fell asleep before finishing, and so never did.
summations from my weekend:
1. I love my college. I went to a dinner function for ONU, and long long long story short, I ate dinner with the president of ONU and his wife and had an awesome time, and he knows me and my family etc., and it's exciting.
2. I miss Tyler, and it is still really really sad to me when people talk about it, and I really hate people who think that they are so much better, like the Hamlet complex where they feel like "oh if you only KNEW what i was going through, you wouldn't cry yourself..." because i think that everyone's feelings on whatever scale they are, their feelings are valid too. hmm that was a bit of a soap box that i think i'll step off of now.
3. I just finished watching Pride and Prejudice, and it's renewed my major major pining for boys. and i'm starting to do stupid things so that i can be with someone and it's dumb dumb dumb but im feeling verry needy.
also, matt esherick is a pretty awesome guy.
WTWFCA21: what are you up to?
Mesherick13: waiting for the answer to arrive
Mesherick13: it's been long enough
WTWFCA21: i see. and what is the answer that is soon arriving?
[Mesherick13: i don't know yet
WTWFCA21: oh good. well when you know, let me know. haha.
Mesherick13: i'll know when i know the question
WTWFCA21: what is the question?
Mesherick13: when i know i'll let you know
Mesherick13: that'll make it easier to find the answer
WTWFCA21: oh good. since i am the knower of almost all things, i might know the answer.
WTWFCA21: and that will be splendid for us all.
Mesherick13: good good
Mesherick13: well go forth, and accomplish great things
Mesherick13: whilst i remain bogged down in a state of ignorance
WTWFCA21: ha. i will mosey forth and accomplish mediocre things, while you will sprint forth with a rejuvinated passion and accomplish monumental things.
Mesherick13: your confidence gives me confidence
WTWFCA21: well good. and your confidence gives ME confidence.
WTWFCA21: therefore we are a good team.
Mesherick13: we must never lose confidence in anything
Mesherick13: lest we fall into misery
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[March 26, 2006 at 10:44pm] |
my weekly emo-ness.
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[March 23, 2006 at 10:49pm] |
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mood |
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bored/swamped with gov hw |
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somehow my sunday post did not get posted at all. and i wondered why no one commented on it. i just realized all of this.
anyway. so, as always, post secret had one for me this week. this is my main sentiment right now, for like...everyone. but mostly, steven. i'm just incredibly afraid of leaving him. i have this massive anxiety over leaving him, because i feel like a large piece of myself is invested in him, and i love him so much, even more than like a romantic love. i just really need him in my life, and he has always been there for me at the drop of a hat, and i don't know what i'm going to do without him next year.
today was interesting. i finally did all my homework for this day, INCLUDING math homework, which was exciting for both me and mr. mitchell. then, in music theory, i discovered a little visitor that is generally referred to as the Red Death, for obvious reasons. that was no fun. um. the rest of the day was fine. until i got to the gas station. i get there, and i get gas as usual, and i'm excited because my mother gave me free car wash coupons, so i was looking forward to using one and washing the pollen crap off my car. as i go to give the guy my credit card, he goes "oh. it's rejected." ...what?, i say. He's like,yeah, it's not working...bla bla. So I'm like okay, this happened once before when my VISA Buxx card got too low, so I'll just write the guy a check. And he's like oh sorry, I can't accept your check, cause you don't live in Annandale. And I'm like, I live DIRECTLY across the beltway...the Annandale line is practically in front of my neighborhood...what do you mean I can't write you a check? I've done it before. And he's like no no sorry ma'am. And I start freaking out, because I have NO cash on me at all, so I don't know what to do. So, I call my dad, and thank GOD, he's coming around the beltway, and is about five minutes from where I am. So, eventually, he shows up, mad as a wet hen, and he pays for it, and that was that. But he was reeeeeeeeeally mad...I felt terrible. But, I was so scared that I was just glad my dad was there.
so i get to voice lessons today, after the terrible gas incident, and as i'm going through my lesson, my teacher (who also happens to direct hello, dolly!) says to me "virginia, what about losing weight before the show? can you do that?" and i'm like I am going on South Beach right now, actually, and so yes, i will lose weight before the show. and she's all happy etc. but i was just like. man. i feel fat. she's this TINY skinny lady, who has no body fat whatsoever. so. whatever. i was offended, but i want to lose a lot of weight just to be like look. i'm not fat anymore. are you happy? and clara the other day at lunch was like i think our whole family needs to lose weight. we're all fat. and. yeah. i was offended by that too, but just because i KNOW i'm fat, but she's certainly not, and i would kill for her metabolism and body. so i have decided that as soon as we get back from orlando, i'm going to be hard core about it, because i want to lose as much weight as possible. i can't feasibly start before then however, because my birthday falls during orlando, and i want to be able to have my cake and eat it too, and eating in disney world is going to be more of a "grab it and go" type thing than a "we must be incredibly picky about the things we eat" type thing. so april 2. it's ON. and kendall is my life coach, and will help me through it all.
and then, on the way home, there was this little tiny bar of rainbow in the sky. and it made me think of voices, and how a rainbow is a sign of a covenant that God made with us a long time ago, and when i see rainbows, it reminds me that God is saying, "no matter how bad stuff is or seems, it's going to be okay."
So thanks for the heads up, Big Man. We're still doing alright down here. Just help me pass all my classes, and we're set.
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| Everyone else is doing it, so why can't we? |
[March 06, 2006 at 8:13pm] |
| What Your Songs Say About You | | Put Your iPod On Shuffle | | Fist Song:: | The Opening--OST Secret Garden (The Musical) | | Second Song:: | Oklahoma!--OST Oklahoma | | Thrid Song:: | Rhythm in Me--OST Altar Boyz | | Fourth Song:: | Sing Me To Heaven--Mormon Tabernacle Choir | | Fifth Song:: | Linger--The Cranberries | | Sixth Song:: | Shiksa Goddess--OST Last Five Years | | Seventh Song:: | Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog--CCR | | Eighth Song:: | Dreams--Cranberries Cover by A Capella | | Ninth Song:: | The Last Supper--OST Jesus Christ Superstar | | Tenth Song:: | Un Flambeau Jeanette Isabella-WTW Winter Concert 2005 | | Now Let's Analyze | | When Did You First Hear Song 3?:: | In my room, after Malice gave me the "Altar Boyz" soundtrack for Christmas. | | Which Of Your Friends Does Song 9 Fit?:: | um. Jesus? | | What Memory Does Song 6 Remind You Of?:: | Garry, because he played Jamie in L5Y. | | Who Is Song 10 By?:: | Nicolas Saboly. At least, that's what the internet said... | | How Did You Come Across Song 5?:: | I love the Cranberries, and I stole this cd from my mom long enough to download it. | | Is Song 9 A Love Song?: | Not really. Well, I guess kind of. It's about how Jesus loves us, so here's His body for us to eat, I guess. | | Why Do You Like Song 1?:: | It is BEAUTIFUL music, and incredibly well written. It's very happy and flowy. | | Is Song 7 A Good Make-Out Song?: | hahah NO. It's a good bounce around and sing song. | | Which Song Is Best For You And Your Crush?:: | None, really. Dreams MAYYYBE but that'd be a stretch. | | What Do Songs 4 and 8 Have In Common:: | They both are acapella. | | Do You Like Song 3 For It's Meaning?: | hahah it's funny. It's about how God put the rhythm of music in me, so yes, i believe in its meaning. | | Is Song 6 A Song For Friends Or For Lovers?:: | Lovers. It's about how he wants to break out of his shell and get with someone who's not Jewish. | | Which Song Is Your Favorite?:: | Right now, number 4. Sing Me To Heaven. It's written by Dan Gawthrop (think "Mary Speaks" and "There is Sweet Music") and I love him. I'm hoping to direct this in Vocal. | Take this survey | Find more surveys
You've been totally Bzoink*d |
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